Psalm 119

I have been looking through Melissa’s Bible. She has different passages marked, different pieces of paper or bookmarks or what-not. She had a bookmark of her favorite piece of artwork, that part of the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel where God’s hand is stretched as afar as possible, reaching for humanity, but the human hand is languidly offered.

Melissa had her transplant on May 5, 2006. She was in the hospital on May 5, 2007. I took the calendar sheet for that day from the hospital wall, and wrote “Happy Birthday, Sissy” on it. She placed it in her Bible at a part of Psalm 119. Psalm 119 has a lot of highlighted verses, verses that were touching her heart, being her prayers.

“Do good to your servant, and I will live” (119:17)

“I am laid low in the dust; preserve my life according to your Word” (119:25)

“Turn my eyes away from worthless things; preserve my life according to your Word” (119:37)

“Preserve my life in your righteousness” (119:37).

“My comfort in my suffering is this: your promise preserves my life” (119:50)

“You are my portion, Lord” (119:57)

“It was good for me to be afflicted that I might learn your decrees” (119:71)

“May your unfailing love be my comfort…. Let your compassion come to me that I may live” (119:76-77)

“My soul faints with longing for your salvation, but I have put my hope in your word” (119:81)

“Preserve my life according to your love, and I will obey the statutes of your mouth” (119:88)

“If your law had not been my delight, I would have perished in my affliction. I will never forget your precepts, for by them you have preserved my life. Save me, for I am yours” (119: 92-94)

“I have suffered much; preserve my life O Lord, according to your word” (119:107)

“You are my refuge and my shield; I have put my hope in your word” (119:114)

“Sustain me according to your promise, and I will live; do not let my hopes be dashed. Uphold me, and I will be delivered” (119:116-117)

“My flesh trembles in fear of you” (119:120)

“Your statutes are forever right; give me understanding that I may live” (119:144)

“I will call with all my heart; answer me O Lord, and I will obey your decrees. I call out to you, save me and I will keep your statutes. I rise before dawn and cry for help. I have put my hope in your Word…. Hear my voice in accordance with your love; preserve my life according to your laws…. Yet you are near O Lord, and all your commands are true” (119:145-151)

“Look upon my suffering and deliver me” (119:153)

“Defend my cause and redeem me; preserve my life according to your promise” (119:154)

“Your compassion is great, O Lord; preserve my life according to your laws” (119:156).

“See how I love your precepts; preserve my life, O Lord, according to your love” (119:159)

“I rejoice in your promise” (119: 162)

“Great peace have they who love your law” (119:165)

“May my cry come before you, O Lord; give me understanding according to your Word. May my supplication come before you; deliver me according to your promise. May my lips overflow with praise, for you teach me your decrees. May my tongue sing of your Word, for all your commands are righteous. May your hand be ready to help me, for I have chosen your precepts. I long for your salvation, Lord, and your law is my delight. Let me live that I may praise you, and may your laws sustain me. Ihave strayed like a lost sheep. Seek your servant, for Ihave not forgotten your commands” (119:169-176)

Viewed from one angle, such verses are an embarrassment. Clearly, the words and the prayer behind them failed. The point behind the verses she marked were prayers for healing and life, according to the goodness and riches of God. It’s not just that we face the mystery of why God, who can heal, did not. Or, I suppose we could deny healing at all, and then be done with all this superstition. And it’s too simple to say she was healed, her life has been preserved. While that is true, it doesn’t seem to answer the question here and now. What are all these words about?

Maybe we should look at it from Melissa’s perspective. It’s a perspective I am calling, “somethings you don’t know until you know.” That is, until you have the wisdom or experience that particular verses talk about, the meaning will be veiled. But then when you come up against the kinds of issues the Bible talks about, you have a clearer insight. A little bit before she went in for the transplant, Melissa met with Tim Jones at Barnes and Noble. They were there for a few hours. Tim has talked to me here and there about things they talked about. Melissa reiterated to him what she had said from the beginning: she wanted to give God glory. If that glory was a testimony of healing, good. If it was by dying, good. It’s like grasping fog right now, trying to figure out where the glory is. I know it is there, feel it in wisps (like my time with Foti). Sometimes I think, “well clearly it would be better if she were alive, and all those who remember her fondly would have her. Or maybe we would take it for granted that people will always be with us. We don’t experience them and then we kick ourselves when they’re gone. But their special, unique life touches us. I guess depending on how we let her touch us will determine an amount of the glory God receives; “precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints” (Psalm 116:15).