March 28

Last night, as I was putting the boys to sleep, we talked about Melissa being back in the hospital. Joe said he was scared because he was sad and sad because he was scared. That’s about as much as he has ever said about any of these things. John mentioned that he was sad and scared, too. And he added that he longed for the days when “Mommy’s hair was long and she took care of us.”

If you remember, taking care of the boys is really the only thing Melissa has ever wanted to do. She did it well, perhaps too well, when you think of the gap between what they had and how things are now. Oh sure, we take good care of the boys, but it’s not the same as having her around as she was. John and Joe are hopeful that one day she’ll get back to it. It’s particularly cruel because each time she picks up and can do more with the boys, something comes up and knocks her down.

It’s hard for them to see her go to the clinic each morning, and I know that they watch her go out the door and wonder if she’ll be back that night. But they are amazing little boys.

The word this morning is that the graft-vs-host disease is working on her intestines and that the pain medication has masked pain, but added to her digestive system not working well. In the back of my mind every time something comes up is that the lymphoma is back. So I am glad to hear it’s more of the graft-vs-host. Maybe if she just has a mean bone marrow it will work that much harder if the cancer ever tries to come back.

Through the long days of the summer, when she had the transplant, when the lymphoma spread to her brain, when she just looked like she had been pummeled, I read Ezekiel a lot. I mean like every three days I read the whole thing. I kept saying to God, alright, we get it! Enough of the being on display! Enough of Jesus’ solidarity with us on the Cross!

“My soul finds rest in God alone” Psalm 62:1

p/g